Let’s talk about selfishness—because it’s not always what we think it is.
Most of the time, what we call “selfish” is actually self-protection. It comes from fear. From feeling threatened. From trying to protect comfort, safety, or stability when something feels out of control.
That’s where I am right now.
When your nervous system feels under attack, your focus naturally turns inward. Not because you don’t care about others—but because you’re trying to survive the moment you’re in.
The work isn’t shaming yourself for being selfish. The work is asking why. What fear is underneath it? What are you trying to protect?
One of the most helpful things I’ve learned in therapy is to zoom out. When you’re in it, your perspective is narrow and reactive. Zooming out lets you see the bigger picture—the people involved, the external pressures, the old patterns showing up again.
When you can name the fear, it loses some of its power.
Sometimes we’re in situations we can’t immediately change—financial stress, life transitions, responsibilities we didn’t choose. And when choices feel limited, self-protection ramps up. That doesn’t make you a bad person.
But it does mean you have to be mindful not to take that fear out on the people you love.
So the question becomes: How can I make this hard situation even a little better?
Often, the answer is small:
- one boundary
- one honest conversation
- one pause instead of a reaction
- one act of care for your body or mind
Even a 1% shift matters.
Being selfish isn’t always wrong. Sometimes it’s simply information—your system telling you something needs attention.
Protect your peace. Set your boundaries. Take one small step when you can.
That isn’t selfishness.
That’s self-awareness.
